Today is the first day of the rest of your week, which I’m calling, “Gimme A Break Monday.”
To celebrate, fasten your safety belts, insert your bite guards, check your cups and lock your seats in the full upright shopping position as we hurtle toward the take-off to Holiday 2015, where every single day between now and Dec. 25 gets its own special moniker.
Friday is Black Friday, the traditional big shopping day, but we’ve also got Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Green Monday, Free Shipping Day and Super Saturday. Also, Thursday is no longer “Thanksgiving,” as President Lincoln so quaintly dubbed it in 1863. Now, it is Gray Thursday.
Why gray? Because, when you tell your grandmother that you’re skipping Thanksgiving to make retail clerks work the holiday so that you can go over the river and through the woods to score a cheap TV, that is the color her heart will turn.
One day at a time
However, all that ignores these much more realistic holiday milestones, such as:
Exotic Spice Saturday: Occurs when you need something like whole blanched allspice pods to make the traditional family cheese-wassail sauerkraut bake. After five hours of aimless driving, you pay $27 at an Asian grocery store for a tin you suspect actually contains ground, dried duck spleens.
‘Little Drummer Boy’ Madness Monday: The day in Home Depot when you hear your 927th “rum-pum-pum-pum” since Labor Day and you tailspin into a dissociative state. You’re found hours later, weeping under a nine-foot inflatable Santa Smurf, drinking vanilla extract straight from the bottle.
Gas-Station Sunday: Occurs after the post-Thanksgiving running of the dust bunnies and a Herculean flurry of cleaning. From this day until the last guest departs, family members are barred from entering — let alone using — any of the home’s sanitary facilities, and are directed to the bathroom at the local Sunoco.
My Allergies Must Be Acting Up Wednesday: Useful for excusing why you grab the tissues during “A Charlie Brown Christmas” after Linus quotes Luke 2: 8-14, especially if your last name is, “Shapiro.”
Pizza Night Thursday: Occurs when you ditch your exquisitely planned quiet Christmas Eve dinner to handle last-minute shopping, laundry, cleaning and gift-wrapping by grabbing a Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready that you eat over the sink while thawing the turkey.
New Parents Tuesday: Occurs in late September, approximately nine months after you discover that the spice you bought for the traditional family cheese-wassail sauerkraut bake was, indeed, ground dried Asian duck spleens, which happens to be a powerful aphrodisiac.
So get ready to observe all these special days, starting with Thanksgiving this Thursday, directly followed by what dry cleaners across our great land call, “Gravy-Stain Surcharge Friday.”