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'Bloodsucking Bastards' takes too long to get gory

Tom Long
The Detroit News

As low-budget horror comedies go, “Bloodsucking Bastards” is about as subtle as its title.

An obvious mashup of “The Office” and (insert any vampire title here) the film takes far too much time setting up its gore-splattered ending, delving into the lazy habits of workers and tossing off one-liners and awkward situations. Once the one-liners are flying around inside a bloodbath, they’re somewhat effective, but getting there takes forever.

Fran Kranz (“The Cabin in the Woods”) stars as Evan, the acting sales manager of a call center where workers are supposed to be selling who knows what. As managers go, he’s absolutely terrible, because all of his employees are either on the Web playing games, watching porn or generally goofing off. Chief among these offenders is his best friend, Tim (Joey Kern).

After lots of office shenanigans and the occasional intern gone missing, Evan finds out he is not being made permanent sales manager. Instead his arch-enemy from college, Max (Pedro Pascal), suddenly gets the job. When Evan starts discovering dead bodies and finds himself chased at night, he finally comes to the conclusion the movie has held back for too long — Max is a vampire and he’s slowly turning the office workers into vampires, as well.

Why? Vampires are much more efficient workers. Apparently they don’t play videogames, don’t watch porn and don’t need much sleep.

As a metaphor for zombified office drones, this is a stretch. As a backdrop for lots of verbal silliness amidst heads exploding and such, it has its late-arriving charms, but they’re not exactly overwhelming. “Bloodsucking Bastards” simply isn’t worth the time it takes to get rolling.

‘Bloodsucking Bastards’


Not rated

Running time: 86 minutes