Wife who dislikes sex unsure how to advise daughters

Dear Abby
Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: I’ve been married more than 20 years and have three children. What I haven’t had is a real desire for sex -- nor have I ever had, as far as I know, an orgasm. Before my wedding, my mother warned me that sex was overblown, uncomfortable and messy, but she said I had to put up with it if I wanted kids and a good marriage.

Movies, TV shows and ED ads all suggest that “normal” women are just looking for the next opportunity to jump into bed with their man. Am I a freak? Are there others like me? What do I tell MY girls as they grow up?

Waiting in Wichita

Dear Waiting: Your mother did you no favor by saying what she did about sex. Sex can be “messy,” but it is also supposed to be pleasurable, and both parties should be able to enjoy it. If sex is painful, then something is wrong.

I would never label you a freak. However, you may be asexual, because some people are. If you have never experienced an orgasm, you may have married a man who was also sexually inexperienced.

As to what to tell your daughters, your gynecologist may be able to recommend some literature. Please do not give your daughters the same message your mother gave to you, because it was wrong.

Dear Abby: I have two daughters, “Mary Beth,” 48, and “Anne,” 50, who do not talk to each other. The last time we were all together was a family vacation in 2010. They live in different states, and I travel to visit them for the holidays. They have similar lifestyles, but they don’t reach out to each other.

When Mary Beth wrote her feelings to Anne, they were viewed as hurtful and vindictive. I received a copy of the letter, but I didn’t think they were. Frankly, I think Anne prefers the lack of contact, and that even though they are sisters there is no bond between them. What do you suggest?

Disappointed Mom

Dear Disappointed Mom: Nowhere in your letter did you mention how Mary Beth feels about the fact that her letter may have caused an estrangement. As an adult, Anne should have responded to that letter. It isn’t unusual in families that are geographically separated for sibling bonds to loosen. I’m advising you to continue to see both daughters, but not involve yourself in their relationship.