Abby: Couple’s plans snag over detour to a strip club

Dear Abby
Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We are planning on moving to California together in a few months.

I flew to Monterey to job hunt, and he is to fly in soon. However, last night I found out he and his buddy went to a strip club. My boyfriend knows I’m uncomfortable with him going to strip clubs, and he assured me that they would not be going when we spoke on the phone earlier in the evening.

He says I’m controlling and childish for being angry at him. I told him it’s either me or the strip clubs — mostly just to see how he’d react. His response was that freedom of choice is very important to him. I even went as far as to say if he feels the need to go to strip clubs, then I would start stripping on the side to spite him.

I’m tempted to cancel his ticket to California. I don’t want him flying here if we are just going to fight. Is this situation worth the cost of a relationship? How do I deal with someone so stubborn to the point he can’t see when he’s in the wrong? Abby, he is in the wrong, isn’t he?

Choice Is Clear

Dear Choice: A wise woman chooses her battles carefully. If your boyfriend spent more than an occasional evening hanging out in strip clubs, I can see why it would be a deal breaker. But unless you left something important out of your letter — like the fact that he did more than look — it doesn’t appear that he does.

You escalated the situation and you shouldn’t have. However, if you feel so strongly about strip clubs, perhaps you should consider finding another man to spend your life with because it really isn’t possible to control the actions of another adult.

Dear Abby: I’m a man in my mid-60s who had to put my elderly cat, “Taffy,” to sleep. I loved her. When the vet asked if I’d like some of her ashes, I said no. Instead, I filled a jelly jar with her fur. (I had, for a year, been stuffing the fur I removed from her brush every night into a shoebox.) As a memorial, I added some of her favorite kibble to the hair jar, and it now sits on her favorite window sill. You be the judge — cute or creepy?

Cat Fancier in Florida

Dear Cat Fancier: It is neither. It is the way you have chosen to cope with a painful loss, and you shouldn’t be judged — or judge yourself — harshly for it. My condolences for your loss.

Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.