Dear Abby: Community harmony clouded by neighbor’s smoking
Dear Abby: I live in a townhouse in a small development — just four townhomes with a very relaxed HOA. Since it’s just the four of us, we discuss things like needed repairs and come to an agreement.
Our problem is our newest neighbor. She smokes outside at all hours. It prevents the rest of us from enjoying our own outside spaces, nor can we open our windows for fresh air.
As far as I know, she smokes only outside and not inside. What can we say or do so we can enjoy our decks and patio spaces or leave our windows open without being smoked out?
— Smoked Out in Minnesota
Dear Smoked Out: Because your homeowners association is so tiny that you have no manager to handle this, it is important you approach this sensitive problem with a positive attitude. This woman is the newest member of your four-unit “family,” and this will be a long-term relationship — for better or for worse. Remember it must be built on trust and mutual respect.
Come together in a neighborly way to discuss other matters that need to be dealt with and THEN raise this subject in a noncontentious way. The solution might be something as simple as her agreeing to walk farther from the building when she smokes. Determine what would be acceptable and work from there.
Dear Abby: Our grandniece was supposed to be married in April 2018, but a week before the wedding she caught her fiance cheating, and the wedding was called off. We live 1,000 miles away, so several weeks before the wedding, we went online to their gift registry and had a gift valued at more than $250 shipped directly to them. The mother of the bride confirmed when the gift was received.
After the wedding date passed, we thought we would receive reimbursement or be asked if we wanted the gift returned. It has been a little over a year now and not one word has been mentioned about returning any gifts. Other family members are in the same situation as we are.
Isn’t it proper to return gifts if the wedding is called off? If it was an inexpensive, small gift we wouldn’t feel so bad. Are we wrong to be hurt and a bit shocked?
— Feeling Snubbed
Dear Snubbed: No, you are not wrong. I assume you never received a thank-you for your generosity either.
Wedding gifts are not to be considered consolation prizes. The rule of etiquette is, if there has been no wedding and the wedding gift has not been used, it should be returned to the sender.
Dear Abby: A family friend is getting sober from drugs. We used to talk all the time about everything. I keep inviting them over to do something or hang out. They accept at first and then back out. This has been going on for months, and I’m getting tired of it. I’m trying to figure out if I should keep trying or just stop. Is it the recovery process or me?
— Somebody Who Cares in Utah
Dear Somebody: Not knowing you or your friend, it’s hard to say. The next time you invite the person over and they back out, put the ball in THEIR court by saying, “When you are up for company, give me a call. I miss you.”
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