Dear Abby: Man’s low ambition casts shadow on couple’s future

Dear Abby
Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: I have been dating a great guy for a year and a half. He’s funny, smart, and when he comes to my house, he washes my dishes and plays with my son. He is attentive, and he cooks for me. He is always buying me little things like a desk coffee heater because he knows I love hot coffee, or smart bulbs that create cool colors in the living room. He’s a super fun guy, and he often leaves sweet little notes around the house for me.

The downside is, he has zero ambition, zero motivation and no life goals. We are in our early 30s, and I’m a professional with my own home. He lives in a small room in a house with two housemates. His job pays very little, but although he has few responsibilities, he has been very slow to look for other jobs.

Abby, I have talked to him about our future. We both want to be together, but I told him I am not going to support him. We want to move in together, but he needs to be more financially stable. He needs to be my equal.

When we spoke, he agreed with me and the fact that he can do better. He promised he would be looking, but I have been waiting months to see a change in him and — nothing. Should I wait for him? Should I talk to him again? I want so much more, and I am not sure he can deliver. I don’t want to stay just because my son loves him so much. What should I do?

— Hopelessly Vexed

Dear Hopelessly: I understand your position. You seem to want the whole package, and from what you have written, this person is not it. You should not have to support him, and he shouldn’t expect it.

It appears that while the two of you care for each other, he simply cannot summon up the motivation to make the effort to better himself financially. Could you accept this in the long run? Is the status quo what you want forever? Bear in mind, if this man moves in, it will prevent you from finding a partner who is your equal in all ways.

Dear Abby: My son got married eight months ago. I recently found out he and his wife haven’t sent thank-you notes to anyone. Some of our friends and family took time off work, traveled across the country, spent a lot of money on airfare, hotels, meals, as well as wedding gifts. I am mortified.

Abby, there were only 60 guests, so there were fewer than 30 thank-you notes to send. When I asked my son about it last week, he said they hadn’t sent them because so much time had passed and it was too late. I told him it was inexcusable, and they need to get those notes written now because this is definitely a case of better late than never.

If they don’t do it within the next week, I intend to contact my friends and family and thank them myself and apologize for their rudeness. My son was not raised to be ungrateful and rude. What do you think?

— Furious in Arizona

Dear Furious: What you have in mind may be well-intentioned, but it won’t make up for your son and daughter-in-law’s lack of courtesy. If they fail to contact the guests who made such an effort to attend their wedding, do not speak up on their behalf because it will only make them look worse.

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