Dear Abby: Sunny personality turns dark in the wake of a miscarriage

Dear Abby
Jeanne Philips

Dear Abby: My husband and I suffered a miscarriage five months ago, in the 12th week. I’m still not doing well. I have put on a facade to get by, but I’m just starting to realize how deeply this is affecting my life.

I used to be a happy, friendly person. Always a smile on my face and laughter to be shared and hugs for my loved ones. Since the miscarriage, I put on a fake smile and try to be who I once was, but I can’t keep doing it. Every day there is a moment from that day or the aftermath that floods my mind. I’m angry, bitter, mad at the unfairness, and I no longer have compassion or sympathy for others.

Jeanne Phillips

This isn’t me. I don’t want to be this way. My happiness has been replaced with tears and sadness. The hopefulness is replaced by emptiness. I’m very lost, and I don’t know how to get out of this funk.

I no longer want to try to get pregnant again because the fear of the physical and emotional pain of another miscarriage has me paralyzed. Any advice you might give would be greatly appreciated.

Broken in Missouri

Dear Broken: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your child. Your depression and the fear you have about another pregnancy are not unusual after a tragedy like the one you have experienced. You are grieving, and the emotions you are feeling are to be expected.

Please schedule an appointment with your OB/GYN and tell your doctor about all of these feelings, because the doctor can refer you to someone who can help you work through this. It will take time, but I assure you it is doable.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year now. In the beginning, we were crazy about each other and everything was great.

Our hometowns are two hours apart so, to make it work, he bought us a house right in between. It was an hour each way to our parents’ houses. I thought it was the perfect compromise. But now he’s telling me he isn’t happy here in our new town, and he needs to sell the house and move back home.

He says he still wants to be with me and that we are going to make it work, but I can’t help but be scared that this is gonna be the end of our relationship. Should I tough it out and see if we can actually make it work? Or do I call it quits and let go because maybe it is just not meant to be?

Mixed Up in Massachusetts

Dear Mixed Up: You left out one important fact in your letter to me. WHY does your boyfriend need to sell the house you share and move back home? Is he so closely tied to his parents that being an hour away is too far? Is it work-related? Is he dissatisfied with your relationship? Ask him these questions because the answers will tell you what you can expect. My advice is to let things play out a bit more before making any decision other than to put the house on the market.

Dear Abby: I’m one of those sad, stupid women who hang onto dreams of being with the man I love. I will be 70 next year, and I have spent more than 20 years waiting first for his children to grow up, then for the company to grow, etc. It never ends. How I got into this mindset, I can’t explain.

It’s too late for me, but I want to pass this on to younger women: Get a life. Expand your horizons. Go to school. Be yourselves. Make YOURSELF happy. Dreams are dreams; life is reality. I’m not asking you for advice, Abby, because I now see the light.

— Finally Knows in Illinois

Dear Finally Knows: Please don’t call yourself names. You have learned a valuable lesson, and thank you for wanting to share it. What you wrote is true, and I hope it will provide inspiration to the women to whom you are addressing your message. And one more thing: It is NOT necessarily “too late” for you. Your life isn’t over, and if my life is any example, you never know where the road will lead you.

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