Sandy Hook parents to Oxford families: We understand 'irreparable damage to your heart'

Nicole Hockley and Mark Barden understand as few others can the despair of parents whose children were shot dead or wounded at Oxford High School on Tuesday. 

Six-year-old Dylan Hockley and seven-year-old Daniel Barden were among 20 children killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School on Dec. 14, 2012. The 20-year-old shooter, Adam Lanza, also killed six adults during the spree, which began after Lanza fatally shot his mother at their home.

The Sandy Hook parents said such a loss will be felt for a lifetime. But kindness, compassion and community support can ease a process of grieving likely to unfold over weeks, months and years.

"There is always going to be a gaping hole in my family where my son should be," Hockley said. "Although he lives in our hearts, he’s not in school, I don’t get to hug and kiss him every day.

"That is irreparable damage to your heart and to your family."

Nearly a decade after the Sandy Hook tragedy, Hockley still was jolted on Tuesday by news of the shooting in Michigan, where four Oxford students were fatally shot, and seven students and a teacher wounded. 

Fifteen-year-old Ethan Robert Crumbley was arraigned Wednesday in Oakland County's 52nd District Court on 24 counts, including murder and terrorism.

"I was in the middle of a board meeting when I saw the alerts come thorough, and school shootings just take me exactly back to 12/14," said Hockley of the day of the Sandy Hook tragedy. 

Hockley is CEO of the Sandy Hook Promise Foundation, a nonprofit she co-founded with Barden to try to prevent shootings through education, training and state and federal legislative efforts.

"It's devastating, and for the parents of the children who were killed or wounded, as well as those who will feel the ripple effects of trauma and worrying about the kids and this sense of safety that has now been ripped away," Hockley said. 

"My heart really does bleed for them because even though every school shooting is difficult, and I have my own experience, it's still traumatic nearly nine years later."

For Barden, too, the wounds still are fresh.

"It’s something you never imagine would happen to you," Barden said. "We’re still there now, we still have moments where we can't believe this is real."

An informal fellowship has sprung up among the parents of hundreds of children who have died in school shootings since the deadly massacre at Colorado’s Columbine High School on April 20, 1999.

Hockley and Barden have provided assistance to parents who have lost children in other school shootings across the country who have requested their help. Both of them also stand prepared to help in Michigan, whether by offering emotional support to grieving parents or sharing policy or legislative approaches that have reduced the risks of school shootings in other states. 

"Each community has their own individual path, and our hearts are with them," Barden said. "If there's ever a time where they feel they could get strength from support, we can offer that as well.

"The unfortunate reality is that I had people within my own neighborhood that were suffering as well, and I developed relationships with many of those. We managed to lean on each other and comfort each other.

"I have spoken with other families that have had similar loss, and developed friendships and relationships with them as well, and I've found that to be a unique network of support that has been very helpful." 

Both Hockley and Barden advised those in the community to understand that each family needs to grieve in its own way.  

"While it's still so raw, it’s just about compassion and kindness and allowing people to grieve in their own time and their own way," she said. "This is when you really need to allow people to help.

"You can’t do this on your own. You need support circles around you. It’s helpful to be open to the support and love of others."

Members of the community who might not know the families well but want to share their support can send emails, meals or gifts with a note saying there is no need for a response or thanks, Hockley said. 

Long-term, each family needs to be given the space and grace to grieve in their own way, she added.  For some parents, that will be jumping into action. But others will need to grieve quietly and in private.

"When and how to take the next step is unique, so there's no judgment. It's all about being kind to each other, gentle with each other, and giving people the space they need to respond in the way they need to respond.  

"There are parents like me who have thrown themselves into trying to prevent tragedies," Hockley said. "But there are parents as well who have done nothing at all, and that’s just what their families needed."

kbouffard@detroitnews.com

Twitter: @kbouffardDN