Those annoying drivers you, too, might recognize

Tom Greenwood
The Detroit News

One of the really great things about having a weekly column is that instead of eating out my liver, I get to vent about the moronic driving habits of other motorists.

These are people who are one letter short of an M&M and there are a lot of them out there.

We’re all fed up to HERE with speeders, lane jumpers and tailgaters who drive like they’re reading a book on your back bumper.

But there are other dØrrkes (Swedish spelling) out there acting the fool and giving us agita, to wit:

■ The Parallel Parking Pinhead. A parking spot has opened up so you put on your blinker, pull ahead and stop so you can back into the space.

Except you can’t because Mr. Offhismeds has pulled up directly behind you and is just sitting there thunderstruck that you aren’t moving.

Blinker, back-up lights and parking space: connect the dots, Gomer.

■ The Fog. You’re in the left turn lane behind one other car. The green arrow blinks on but the car in front just sits there ... and sits there ... and sits there.

Suddenly, he comes out of his coma and turns just as it turns into a solid red arrow for you. What a gavone.

■ Mr. Cautious. The average speed on the fast and furious freeway is 85 mph but the guy in front of you is merging at 28 mph while you sweat bullets ... .45 caliber bullets.

■ Mr./Miss/Ms./Mrs. Gross. Heavy smokers all, they dump their ash tray onto the pavement while stopped at a light. I’d like to serve those butts to them in a cereal bowl with spoiled milk.

■ The Shadow. ’Tis is the person in the next lane whose kind of in your blind spot. He won’t pass, he won’t drop back but he will match your speed within .0000004 mph forever. To shake him, you either have to double or halve your speed.

■Where is it? Is that it? This one is aimed at buildings and businesses and not drivers. Puleeze, put your address in big numerals on your building. And shine lights on it so it can be seen at night.

I feel much better now. Thank you for listening.

(313) 222-2023

I-94: In Detroit, only one lane will be open EB and WB between the Lodge Freeway (M-10) and I-75 from 9 tonight until noon Sunday for bridge repairs.

I-75: In Clarkston, only one lane will be open NB and SB between Clintonville Road and M-15 from 10 tonight until 5 a.m. Monday for repairs.

I-75: In Troy, two lanes will be closed nightly NB and SB between Adams and 12 Mile from 8 p.m. Monday through Friday for road repairs.

I-75: In Auburn Hills/Rochester, the left lane and right shoulder will be closed from University Drive to Chrysler Drive from 9 a.m. today until 2 p.m. Saturday for road work.

I-75: In Detroit, the NB and SB ramps to WB I-94 will be closed from 9 tonight until 5 a.m. Monday for bridge repairs.

I-96: In Southfield, there will be lane closures EB and WB at Inkster Road from 8 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturday for bridge inspections.

M-10: In Detroit, the NB and SB ramps to EB I-94 will be closed from 9 p.m. Friday until noon Sunday for bridge work.

M-3 (Gratiot): In Clinton Township, NB will be closed from Church to North River Road from 6 a.m.-3 p.m. Saturday for a race.

M-59: In Pontiac, there will be lane closures EB and WB between Widetrack and Crooks from 8 a.m.-8 p.m. Saturday and Sunday for road work.

M-59: In Chesterfield Township, two lanes will be closed EB and WB between Elizabeth Road and I-94 from 9 tonight until 5 a.m. Monday for road work.